Elsa's Diary
by The Lost Brother's Grimm
Summary: A dive into the personal thoughts, burdens, and struggles that plagued Elsa throughout her grim purgatory. The purgatory of her time after her running away from the infamous night of her coronation. (AU, Diverges from Cannon a bit)
1. Day 1

**The following entries were passages recovered by German historian, Franz Holztein. The following passages where the only surviving copies which were transcribed from its original source. All the following bold text from here on out were annotations from Holztein himself in attempts to clarify all that had happened during the duration of Elsa's recorded Dairy.**

**Elsa's Dairy**

**Day 1:**

**The following took place the night of the Queen's coronation.**

I don't write much, but I figure I may need to. I just have so much in me to let out, and I need to save my sanity, so managed to craft an ice booklet and pen. I couldn't find anything else.

Oh, how to start?

Dear, whoever?

Diary?

Sorry, it's my first time I've ever tried to uphold a diary, which Is rather surprising on hindsight. Whatever.

Elsa is the name behind this pen, the "queen" of Arendelle. The "queen" of a kingdom that I ran away from just hours ago, and just hours after being coronated.

At the cost of all I've done, my mind burns, while my heart trembles. And now, my legs have given out from running away and I don't have it in me to drag them through the cold white molasses. The woods in which I occupy is pitch black. The wind is strong and loud. The air is currently piercing in my nose as I make the effort to save my throat from being dry and raspy. It's getting colder and colder, but I get used to it pretty quick. I just heard wolves howling as I write, and they don't sound too far from where I am now. I pray they find me not. All is desolate and dead in energy and feeling.

Admittedly, I don't think what I've done was a great idea, but I didn't know what else I could've done. If I had stayed, I would best imagine the kings and queens of other kingdoms, along with our friends and trade partners chasing me down and do who knows what with those razor-sharp swords of theirs to me. To see the look on their faces after what I've done in my vary coronation stiffened me, frozen like a doe. I should've thought all this would ever happen, but for what? I could never have prevented it if I've suspected.

I was cursed, no way anyone would gift me with whatever I had to deal with. Born, but it had to be a curse. No way I would be here because of it.

Ever since my youth, mama and papa would make their ways to assure me.

"Everything is going to be ok Elsa."

"Conceal, don't feel."

"You can control it."

But with caring words, I don't know if it helped. They had so much compassion for me, but how could the possession of this sorcery, as what someone called it, even merit being "ok." To shoot ice and snow out my hands without knowing how you're doing it, nor how to stop it, truly an utter nightmare. I nearly killed my sister one time, and I wasn't even 10 years old.

I am the older sister, so of course everything had to be ok. I should suck it up and have my inner demons under control. I mean how should I not. I was next in line for queen-hood. All would have the perception of colorful roses and happy dandelions. I had more than a decade to suck it up. I should've concealed it all by then.

It wasn't like I had private tutors. Who could even do such thing? No one could do magic. Or to be fair, no person. Even if one did, who would show themselves like a loud jester without expecting any sort of shunning? I was lost. I knew not what to do, but time, as cruel and cold he could be, never bothered to wait for me.

It was coronation day and it was time to face the real world. It would be a blatant lie if I'd said I was fine; Ok with all of It, the opened gates, the pre-ceremony, and the coronation most especially. Never in my life I would ever be so filled with burning nerves. I remember that I would practice so much for all these events and yet, it was too much for me. The gloves that covered my hands, which had always done me great wonders in concealing my curse had to be taken off. If the coroner had spoken one syllable more, everyone would've noticed the ice creeping upon the relics I held. I would never forget the sensation of my heart exploding while my mind shouted. My body was very stiff, and my face was noticeably tense, I assure. I still couldn't believe no one noticed, but my luck only stopped there.

The ball dance was where I had my hopes up. I thought I could just barely make it without any more interruptions. But no, I could never be more wrong. It was my sister, Anna. I could never be any less cross with her, nor love her more, but when she brought some man she just met, how could I not be annoyed. It wasn't him, he seemed fine by the looks of It, but they wanted my permission to marry them. They would obsess over how Hans could live in the castle, and with his brothers not to mention. 12 of them. I couldn't live with that. I couldn't make it through a day with just Anna without making her think I'd shut her out without reason. But I was about to be queen, a figure who needs to be in personal contact with others, and just having an extra 13 strangers just makes things more impossible than it already was.

I didn't want to admit it, but I had a fight with my dear sister. She took my glove, and that spelled the end of everything. It was only about time till I accidently slipped, but I never thought It would've been to such a great extent, nor so soon. I would describe everything that happened, but I don't think I want to remind myself how I became an utter demon for that moment. Just remembering the faces of petrified, scared, and heartless people could set me out of spiral. I felt like a wild animal being hunted, while also being outcasted. Neglected. Misunderstood.

As I thought about it a bit more, being queen would have been a whole other challenging nightmare of its own. How could I rule when cooped up in my room? It wouldn't have been queenly of me. To be surrounded by castle servants and courtiers giving advice for every policy throughout the day would've probably led me to the same inevitable fate as I stand now. In one way, I lost everything. My parents; My room; My castle; My people. My sister…

…But, maybe in other ways, I was exiled to a place of freedom; no worries; no need of being afraid. Just me. The biggest debate that now plagues me is whether my trade was truly something I ever yearned for or not.


	2. Day 2

**Day 2:**

I've been dragging my legs for so long and they feel like two giant cinderblocks. The blood that have pumped through my veins yesternight deteriorated to a mere whispering stream. The agony of not finding a bite to eat only fed to my rotting conscience. It's only the evening after the coronation.

There were some villages in far sight, but no way I could approach them without the fear of ripping my inhibitions to dust. My hands, the one of which uncovered by the warm protection of my glove, would have no hesitation to do its worse, like the foul creature it transformed into. A creature which has outcasted me from all whom I've loved. I know it hasn't even been a full day, but it felt as if the gods had done me worse than a starving rabbit unable to find anything in this retched winter.

I could always eat the snow, but I might as well be fasting on water and dirt and who knows what else, but that didn't mean I've never tried.

I'm currently huddled under a tunneled pocket below a small cliff, just under the sight of the north mountain's cold-hearted gaze. It helps with the wind chill, but at the cost of the cold drips of melting Icicles that hung above me.

My mind couldn't stop screaming at me. 'I am bored Elsa, I am Bored.' 'Just get some real food, come on.'

My stomach did all it could to pester me further down my treachery. Every other thought continued to be haunted by it. But most potently, I struggle to inhale another breath without especially being reminded of all the **"**teeny tiny oopsies**"** I've done to have deserved the rotting of my dress in the bitter cold and wet. In some ways, per-haps I couldn't complain. I shouldn't have lashed out on my sister like how I did.

I'm sorry Anna. So truly sorry. I couldn't find it in me to have done anything different. If only you could have forgiven me.


	3. Day 3

**Day 3:**

I've always been aware that wolves roam these woods. They are ravenous and merciless. They would howl and rain their screams upon the land. They were a band of hooligans, raping and murdering whatever victims would either stand in their way or interest their tastes.

I was unfortunate to be able to witness it all for myself. Just past last midnight, I couldn't stay asleep, for they hollered their war cries just before blocking my blurred sights. I was barely awake. Two days' worth of bitter time to rest had an effect on me. I found it surprising that I even heard them. There was no way for me out. I still inhabited that hole that I mentioned earlier, and the only way out was blocked. I would never forget the horrifying sight of what looked like four wolves showing off their knives for teeth; their ragged manes for fur; their hot drool oozing out of their sickening jaws. They practically had claws for paws, which was a detail I didn't notice until it felt too late.

They each bucked, barked, and growled till one of them made a lunge towards my face. It was death's face incarnate plastered on them, and Hel telling them to go after me. There was so little I could do, and not much energy for me to do it. Inevitably, I couldn't let go myself to her hounds just yet. I had to do what had be done.

It was all too quick. I raised my hands in efforts to protect myself. I didn't even look. But when I did, all I could come across was a pack of dogs suspended from motion. They all had stopped. They were frozen alive, and they must be dead. For all that was done, and without intention, I've must have murdered them all.

At the time, I wasn't appalled by it. I was too pre-occupied with collecting myself together, only after having to wallow in adrenaline rushed fear. But now, as a lie as calm and collected as I could, it was difficult to avoid some sense of remorse for what I had done. It truly was a pity to have their lives taken away, and without meaning to have done so. I mean, a mere scare should've been enough for them to go away. That would've let them off the hook, no? At least they gave me a chance before I would realize my possible fate.

Might I even ask?

I'm I a monster for what I've done?

That was only the start of my day, all before the sun could catch up. This day never made me feel so much hate and pity than any other day. I've lost my other glove, and now two demons haunt me. It felt as if everything I would touch would freeze. The trees. The leaves, grass, ponds, lakes, streams, even the poor living creatures around me.

Please understand my woes if you're reading. Everything I touched, froze immediately. And with despairing misfortune, I couldn't stop it. I wish I could be exaggerating this, but when I tried crafting a fishing pole, all the wood froze. I tried to catch the fish nearby with my hands, but the water would freeze, and my hands would get stuck. And if I did manage to catch something, the poor creature would freeze before I'd get the chance to eat it. And yes, I wouldn't be able to make a fire for roasting, but not even for raw could I treat myself with anything.

All this could probably explain why I continue writing my life away on an ice booklet other than anything. It was the only thing I could touch that couldn't be any more frozen than I made it. I even managed to find a journal-like book with the accompanying feather pen and tried using it out of curiosity. But no luck, as expected.

I've never gotten myself so low as to feel my own insides cannibalizing itself. The screams were getting more defined.

'You've brought yourself here!'

'No one should have deserved you!'

'Arendelle is better off!'

'All would be better off if…'

Not today, the voice I shouldn't succumb to.

'succumb!'

_o_

'succumb!'

_o_

_o_

'succumb'

_o_

_o_

_o_

'succumb…'

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

'…'

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

I miss Anna. Amidst my torment, the memories we had and the ones I wished we had would never stop. Life wouldn't be worth a damn if all the fun were to fade. I would still be warmed by the times when we would sneak downstairs and skate along the ballroom floors. I would make the air above glisten with delicate little flakes floating down, while Anna would watch as if it was her first-time seeing snow. I would make hills so we could both slides down on. Snowball fights were fun. I'd let her win. Don't tell her that, my dirty secret. And above all, we would make a snowman. I would name it Olaf and we would act as if he were alive or something. We had done so much with him. We skated him in circles. Throw snowballs at him. We even gave him a voice and all as we would spew jokes, making each other crack up. I missed all those times. All the times where I could have done anything with my hands uncovered and bring life and joy without care or worry. I wish it all could've lasted. But no, ever since I hurt her, life was never as rosy as what I've prayed for afterword. Most of my life was in isolation, but it felt so much more different over there, though. I was in the castle. My parents would check up on me every other day to see if I was fine. I was fed. I had my gloves, which allowed me to function. I could listen to Anna's voice and hear all that went on. All that I missed out on. All that could have been was just out the door. We missed out on everything we had. I missed out on all the quality time I could have with my parents, for they weren't around long enough for me to know them like Anna. I never gotten the chance to love them like she did. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I truly miss my dear sister mostly. I even miss Olaf.

I can't forget the time where almost every day, she'd knock on my door to ask if I'd want to build a snowman. I could never say any anything back at the time. I can never stop regretting it. Dear gods, what I would give up just to build a snowman with her. Even if it only be my last.

Building a snowman was just not the same without her. With the life sucking time I have, I've tried. I would roll him up and give it the twigs suited for him, though covered in ice. But trying to mutter the words, 'Hi, I'm Olaf, and I love warm hugs!' never felt the same. It felt empty. I was lonely.

I didn't bother sticking around for any longer and left Olaf be. Dead as any other pile of snow and alone. I went aimlessly anywhere really, there was nothing I could really do. I couldn't eat. My cloths turned to torn peasant rags. Asking for help would just be another form of murder. And I hardly had any plans that would guarantee me seeing the night sky again. I actually couldn't believe I've made it so far without succumbing. Well, it was perhaps I stumbled upon a cute bundle of joy. It was a fluffy little stray pup. I called her Ann. Yeah, I know.

She seemed lost a bit ago and didn't stop following me, so I guess she now joins me as we continue our demises together. I wish I can pet her. But I know that wouldn't be a good idea. I did have a few close calls though, but no way I would let her close to me. She's now the only thing keeping my sanity together.

I'm not quite sure where I am right now. I'm at least not lost enough to where I could see the north mountain from where I'm sitting. But in the same time, I feel as if I may have lost my orientation a bit. I can't read stars well and I can't see Arendelle, there was just an endless sea of snow. No water, no grass, nothing warm hinting where Arendelle is, but no matters, I guess. They must be alright without me. And now, I'll be fine without them. At least for the meantime. Who knows how long until I give out?

I just wished Ann a good night. She's sound asleep. I might just make a little ice tent for myself so she doesn't decide to get too close. I think I'll stop for the night. I need my rest. Good night.


	4. Day 4

**Day 4:**

I could never stop admiring at how cute she was. The way she would run around, eager to play. The way she'd bark, calling to me, 'come on Elsa, we gotta play!' She was a fluffy bundle too hard to resist. I loved her so much. Her eyes were glossy, and her irises would barrow deep into my heart. We were together, for once again. No more worries. All was fine.

The glow from the light resonated off of her. Even though she was a lady, nothing about her properly made it so. She was such a child and I've always loved that in her. She had woken up with her mane a frizz. The glisten of the charcoal red on her was wild and free. It could never be tamed, even by the worst of the outside world. She would tackle it head on. Embracing the terrors of the cold. She would slide on it as if she was the boss. The one who'd embraced the snow and Ice, the bitch was in love with it. In love with the element of the cold and unfeeling. The winter ignored whatever she did. It didn't empathize or care for her, but she could never love it any more than she did. Oh, how naive of her to love something so unfeeling and cruel.

It was clear that she had it rough. Poor girl, anyone could spot the mild whimpers of her deep pain leagues away. She was abandoned for most of her life. Ignored by those who loved her. Pity her soul. She wasted her life trying to love until she was thrown out. All alone she was. May the ignorant of her be Damned. I'm sorry you had to go through all this. It was my fault.

But things were different. Today, I could see more snow than Ice now. The blizzards became nothing but mere legends now. The rays of the warm sun have begun to thaw its heart, and I hope she could notice it. The snow was fluffier, but did she know. Oh, how distant she truly was from knowing. How could she? She's just a child. For the first time in forever, I could finally say, 'I have always loved you,' and actually show it. Now my biggest wish is if she could receive my message. My biggest and darkest regret, not being able to tell her before it was too late.

During the short time we had together, it was very taxing to realize my own problems. I didn't know how to take care of her. How could I protect and nurture her if all I could ever do was harm? She was out of my control. I couldn't do anything. With all my neglect, it was clear that she couldn't stay. I'd try to walk away from her, but she'd follow me. Shooing her, only gave me heart attacks when she would try to touch me. Hiding was no use; she could never miss me. But despite her blind clinginess, I could clearly see her own decent into suffering.

In the morning, she was alive. Jittery in movement and energy. But throughout the evening, she became sluggish. Her red main not as wild as it was before. The glitter in her eyes rusted dry. Her whimpering and begging for my love and attention, louder and more agonizing. I wish I could do something. I truly did. I've tried for so long, but never could I ever keep my demons tied together. I just wanted to help. I didn't know how else I could've done so.

The poor girl got stuck. The love of her life became cruel. It had snatched her leg in a small hole. She struggled to get out.

'Come on you can do it, you can do it' I would say, doing all I could to encourage her. She'll try and fail, and just look up at me, smiling.

'Come on, come on, you can do it,' I say again. If she got herself into this mess, how could she not get out?

Every time I say it, she'd try. Less and less she'd push with each and every try.

'Come on, come on, you can do it, please.'

'try again, please.'

'come, on.'

_o_

'come on.'

_o_

_o_

She wouldn't even try anymore. She'd just look up at me blank, but her expression was very loud. The puppy eyes couldn't stop begging.

'Elsa, help me, come on.'

'please, Elsa.'

'Don't shut me out.'

_o_

'Don't shut me out.'

_o_

_o_

'Don't…'

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

Never again. Not at least without a fight.

Closer and closer, I could see more and more. Her smile. Her freckles. The dimples on her cheeks. The way she looked up to me. I saw her.

With the utmost of delicacy had I ever tapped into in so long, her snag was no more. I managed to shake the snow off around her, and just avoided crushing her leg. Never have I once tamed my demons for such a moment. It was blissful. It gave me warmth.

But with tragic misfortune, I was careless. I couldn't keep my guard up. I couldn't help but feel. I felt too much. She knew that I did. At the first sign of my vulnerability, she got closer. Close turned to too close. Too close turned to intimacy. She had to show her love; she couldn't help it. The gentle snug of her head on my hands. It was the first we ever felt each other. And with the cost of my thawed heart and sane mind, it was the last.

**"**In deepest sorrows and greatest love. In memory of you I won't forget.

My fasted heart which bathed in harsh frost. A brief moment's time filled without regret.

In highest highs which face lowest lows. I have lost my strength to hold my hard moan.

I'm sorry for what I've done my love. In deepest grievance, my heart tears alone.**"**

In forever loving memory. Rest blessedly, and may no harm ever come close to matching my foul wrath.

To my dearest,

~Ann

** The tomb stone and burial of Ann could be found somewhere south west of the north mountain. Unfortunately, the puppy was lost to the elements.**


	5. Day 5

**In order to preserve the purposeful syntax of Day 5 through this medium, our experts had to add fillers (in italics), while most of the ****actual ****script was emboldened for clarity. The fillers were added because it was discovered that if undone, then the messages embedded would be ruined to obscurity. It was also decided that clarifying script to readers would stain the experience. But anyone would be invited to discuss interpretation in the reviews.**

**Day 5:**

_ooooooooooooo_ **"Monster!"** _ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_ **"Monster!"** _ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_**"Monster!"** _oooooooooooooooooo_

_oooooooooooooooooooooooo_ **"Foul sorcery!"** _oooooooooooooo_ **"After her!"** _oooooooooooooooooooooo_

_ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_oooooooooooo_ **"Monster!"** _ooooooooo_ **"You hurt Anna!"** _ooooooooooooo_ **"Foul sorcery!"**_oooooooooo_

_ooooooooooooooooo _**"Witch"** _ooooooooooooooooo_ **"Dangerous!"** _ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_ooo_ **"Murderer"** _ooooooooooooooooo_ **"Puppy killer"** _oooooooooooooo_ **"Frozen of heart!"**_oooooooooo_

_ooooooooooooo_ **"Nothing but evil!"** _oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_oo_ **"Frozen of h-"**_oooooooooo_ **"Wretch you've become!-"** _oooooo_**"Abominati-"** _ooooooo_**"-Frozen-"**_o_

_ooooooooo_ **"Wit-"** _ooooo_ **"cold..-"**_ooooooooooo_ **"Frozen of heart!"** _ooooooooooooo_**"Murd-"**_ooooooooo_

_ooooooo _ **"help"**ooooooo **"Mons- "** _oooo_ **"kil-"** _o_ **"Abom- "**_oooooooo_ **"Hel!"** _oooooooooo_ **"Your faul-"**_oo_

_ooooooo_ **"Ann-"** _oooooooo_oo **"you!"** _oooooooo_ **"are!"** _oooooooo_ **"Frozen of heart!"**_ooooooooo_**"Els-"** _oo_

_ooooooooooooooo _**"Ann- "** _oooooooooooooooo_ **"Els-"** _ooooooooo_ **"Killer!"** _ooooooooooo_ **"Monst-"** _oooooo_

_oooooooo_**"Be!"_o_"mur-"**_o_**"wary!"**_ooo_**"Kill-"**_oo_**"For!"**_o_**"What!"**_o_**"El-"****"You've done!"**_o_**"Frozen of Heart!"**

_oooooooo_ **"Frozen of Heart!" "It!" "an-""is!""all!""Mons- ""your!" "witc-""fault!""Frozen of Heart!"**

_oooooooooooooooo_ **"Frozen of Heart!"** _oooo _**"Froze-"** _ooo_ **"-earted"** _oooo_ **"Frozen of Heart!"** _oooooooo_

_ooooooooooooooooooooo_ **"Frozen of Heart!"**_oooo_ **"Murder-!"** _oo_**"Frozen of Heart!"** _ooooooooooooooo_

_ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_ **"FROZEN OF HEART!"** _ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

please stop

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_** "FROZEN OF HEART!"** _oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_oooooooooooooooooooo_ **"Frozen of Heart!"** _oooo_ **"Murder-!"** _oooo_ **"Frozen of Heart!"** _oooooooooooo_

_oooooooooooooo_ **"Frozen of Heart!"** _ooo_ **"Froze-"** _ooooooooo_ **"-earted"** _oo_ **"Frozen of Heart!"**_ oooooo_

_ooooo_ **"Frozen of Heart!" "It!""an-""is!" "all!" "Mons- ""your!" "witc-" "fault!" "Frozen of Heart!"** _o_

_oo_ **"Be!"** _oo_ **"wary!"** **"let" **_oo_ **"Kill-"** _o_ **"For"**_ oo _**"What!" "El-"** _oo_**"You've done!" "tel" "Frozen of Heart!"**

**"Conceal!"** _ooo_ **"an-" **_o_** "your"** _o_**"Don't" **_ooo_ **"els-"**_ooo_ **"Abo-"** _ooo_ **"Feel!"** _o_ **"ruoy"** _o_ **"Mons-"** _oo_ **"kill-"**

_o_ **"Feel!"**_ ooo_ **"don-"** _oo_ **"you,"**_o_**" self"** _ooo_ **"Elsa?"** _oo_ **"Don't!"**_ ooooooo_ **"fles"** _o_**",ruoy"** _ooo_**"Conceal!"**

**"Mur-"** _o_ **"Conceal!"** _o_ **"want?"** _o_ **"must,"** **"go"** _o_ **"Don't!"** _oooooo_ **"og"** _o_ **",tsum"** **"Feel!"** **"to?"** _o_ **"wit-"**

_o_ **"conceal!"** _ooo_ **"build?"** _oo_ **"don't!"** _oo_ **"succumb,"**_ooo_ **"a?"** _oooo_ **",bmuccus"** _oooo_ **"feel!"** _oooooooo _

_ oooooo_ **"conceal!"** _ooooo_ **"monst-"**_ooooooooo_ **"snowman?"** _oooooo_**"conceal!"** **"conceal"** _ooooooooooo_

_oooooooooooo_ **"conceal!"** _oooo_ **"please?"** _ooo_ **"murd-"**_ooooo_ **"don't?"** _oo_ **"conceal!"** _ooooooooooooo _

_oooooooooooooooooo_ **"conceal!" "shut?"** _o_ **"me?"** _oooo_ **"out?"** _oo_ **"conceal!"** _ooooooooooooooooooo_

_ooooooooooooooooooooooooo_ **"conceal!"** _ooo_ **"don't!"** _o_ **"f-"** _o_ **"conceal!"** _ooooooooooooooooooooo_

_oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_ **"conceal!"** _ooo_ **"conceal!"** _oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo _

_oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_ **"CONCEAL!"** _oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

i can't

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

"SUCCUMB"

"SUCCUMB" "SUCCUMB"

"SUCCUMB" "SUCCUMB" "SUCCUMB"

"SUCCUMB" "SUCCUMB"

"SUCCUMB"

_o_

"succumb"

_o_

_o_

"…succumb…"

_o_

_o_

_o_

_o_

"…"

o

o

o

o


	6. Day 6

**Day 6:**

**Any record of day 6 documentation was lost to obscurity.**

**Any knowledge of why was and is still unknown to this day.**


	7. June 21st

**June 21, 1842:**

It has been long. I'm currently snuggled under the roof of my castle, wrapped under warm soft blankets as the rest of my exposed limbs hang to be indulged by the heat of the soothing crackling of the fireplace. It was Anna's birthday and I wanted it to be special, for I felt as if I needed to make up for all we've never gotten the chance to do before then. And after all, it's her 21st birthday. I've spent the entire day, doing everything I could do to make it all perfect, but I've succumbed to a cold. A cold which decided to show up on the very day something important was to happen. Oh, the timing.

Though despite it all, I've never been so grateful for such a day unlike any other. I've spent the whole day with my sister. Not avoiding her. Not having to conceal anything. Not even having to go back to queenly duties at any point. It truly was the entire day. Olaf was there, making us all laugh and worry a bit at times; Kristof and Sfen, who performed on their own level of buffoonery. They are such characters. It was rather cute. For once it felt like I was one with the loving family I've always longed for after so long. Anna's birthday wasn't perfect, but at least the moment spent couldn't possibly be any more wonderful.

I've currently retreated back into the old reclusive part of me. A part of me which has never seen the light of day since my crazy return to Arendelle. I was blessed that I've never had to do that after then. It was always lonely and admittedly cold under that cursed persona. But today, I was only visiting my old self. I couldn't be bothered to emulate it, for it may convince me to pursue my end.

Never again.

I only visited this dark phase because I couldn't help but compare how I am now to how I was then. Never I'd relive the past, but never would I want to forget it. While reminiscing, I almost forgot that I had documented my pains on my cold book of unremorseful ice. Remembering that I never managed to find closure within the pages led me to right here, right now. But this time was different, I'm writing on a piece of paper. I usually take it for granted, especially when I sign my signatures on royal documents, but then, to write on paper without ruining it was a gift from above. I still possess ice powers though, the demon within could never leave for good, but now it has been tamed and under the influence of my will, and love.

The first time I was able to write on paper was not too far from when I stopped writing my final entrée. It was the very day after if I could recall it correctly. The blizzards were much stronger than the day prior. Seeing anything past my hand couldn't be done without struggle, and clumsiness. No wildlife as far as my eyes could see. The moans and groans of my scrappy appetite soon gave out in exhaustion, as I struggled to drag my anchored legs across the stubborn snow. It had been nearly a week since I've last had a change of clothes. The heels that had strangled my bare frosted feet turned to sharpened ice. The dress I once had degraded to mere rags which bathed and embraced the elements around, letting way for them to smother my body to an agonizing state. I couldn't remember most of my thoughts as to why I bothered to stay alive that day instead of succumbing to my insanity, telling me to end it all. If I had a guess, it would be whether or not that day would present to me something special, whether or not it was truly my time to go. Or it could simply be because I was too afraid to kill myself. Perhaps I'd rather let my own demons end it instead of me. Or could I have planned my death the next day rather than the night of, just so I could experience my very last sunrise. Whatever the reason, I simply trudged alone, aimlessly, in hopes of finding my final answer, whatever that was.

I managed to wonder pretty far for whatever energy I had left, before my head turned light and my vision became covered in dark greenish black spots, covering the sight of a nearby town I've stumbled upon. I could remember being overcame by a numb feeling as my eyes gave up holding themselves alert. I was on the very verge of blacking out, but I still managed to hold on. It was then I thought I would explore my final thoughts of my old and new memories: my youth, my parents, Anna, Olaf, the puppy, and each little spec of warmth and love that came with it. I thought it was then and there that I would let myself go, let it happen, obey its command. "Succumb," I would have done, letting myself go to all the emotional and physical burdens I've been indebted for too long.

I never heard it, nor I remembered hearing it, for the sounds around me faded dim, but as it turned out, someone tapped me in the arm and spoke to me. Startled and worried, I practically sobered myself and pointed a sharp gaze at a faint figure. She was small and continued to speak to me. I still couldn't make out the words. My ears were still fazed. It was a little girl wearing a light coat dragging a small sled with what seemed like dead animals. They were furs.

"Hey miss! Hey miss! Are you lost?" said the girl repeatedly until I could grasp each word being said to me.

Despite my daze, it struck me like a pickax that she was still tugging on my sleeves. And just right when it was too late, the girl unwarily yanked my hand before telling me that she would lead me to the town nearby.

She didn't freeze. Not even a spec of frost. But I remember trying to yank my hand away, but I was too weak.

"Don't touch me!" I yelled with a bit of bitterness. I never meant it. I feel sorry just thinking about that, but I didn't think she heard me, for she ignored me and continued pulling me down a large hill which valleyed the town just below it.

I didn't know what I was thinking then. I could never have imagined a day where I'd be dragged back to society by a little girl who'd somehow manage to drag my hand without being unintentionally punished for it. The town wasn't anything extravagant. It had a row of small houses and shops with a round-about at the end of it. All the buildings were made with flimsy looking wood that could be wet to the touch. But I could imagine each one being very cozy within. Each decorated simple, while brightened and warmed by a soothing fireplace, much like the one comforting me as I write.

The closer and closer we'd walked into town, the further and further my heart would sink. When becoming present to society after fleeing from another who shamed you for being the foul creature of sorcery, the horrors of being back understandably haunted me. I could remember when people stared at me, I would imagine them thinking about how they've gotten the word about me and what I've done. Many sets of glaring eyes would scream.

"Alas! The witch is back!"

"How could this monster show her face in dignity?"

"Burn her!"

…and other phrases.

When thinking back on it all, the stares could simply be the shock of a newcomer into town. Or how frosted and ragged I was compared to the others, wondering what I may have been through, where I came from, who am I, and did I need help. The little girl may have had the same thoughts. I was nothing short of a dying mess then.

But for the meantime, I gathered the strength to yank my arm away from her right after uttering, "wow, your hands are being covered in frost."

I think I was nervous.

"You don't look familiar to me. You don't live here, do you?" she would say.

I didn't have the strength to speak, so I only managed to bob a tired nod.

And on and on she would ramble, "I thought so, I can usually spot when someone is a visitor because I know everyone who lives here, I can name every single person who lives here and most of what they do, The one over there with the top hat is Franz Holt, he's our missionary, The big guy is John, he goes in and out to get ice, There's just so much available this past week, so he's been very busy lately…"

And on and on she'd continue, 'this one owns the goods store over there. This lady is her best friend's mother. This other guy is a hunter who currently isn't very lucky right now.' More people, more names that I didn't bother learning. She was a rather mouth full. She was also quite jumpy and energetic, running circles around me as she'd sung her breathless run-ons, for she couldn't help but dump every little bit of knowledge about the tiny town they inhabit. Though, admittedly, Anna can be much the same at times.

"…so how did you get lost? What's your name? How long were you out there? Where did you come from?"

She managed to end it there. End with a blind fascination about me. It did give comfort knowing that a person who'd claim to know all the ins and outs of her town wouldn't know who I was, nor any rumors of why the land was frozen, but it also left me stiffened to understand that she's just a little girl. She only looked 5 years old but for some reason decides to drag a questionable stranger with her without even getting to know before then. Not only so, she was out and alone in the cold woods dragging a sled of robbable goods, as if it were perfectly fine and normal. I'd tell her my name and that I came from far, and that I simply got lost when the winter struck but returned the curiosity as to what she was doing and all the worries that came with it.

"Oh, I went out to grab some furs from the huntsman, the one still hunting, not the one taking a lunch break, for he doesn't have furs on him, I'd know because I asked him earlier, and he said no, so I thought I would just go out to the other one in the woods, I know where he hunts, and where his hideout shed is, so I didn't think it was a problem to go up there and ask him for some furs for me to take back home to give to my sister, who's very I'll right now, probably because of the cold, so that's why mom must of told me to go out and fetch them, And also – "

I had to interrupt, or she'd never stop. I'd asked her as to why didn't mom go after them.

"- oh, that's because she's busy all the time, just like my dad, who chops wood for a living. My mom would turn that wood into paper where she works, that's actually how they met each other, isn't that adorable!? I'll have to tell the story, oh I must, mom tells it all the time and you must listen – "

"How about later, uuhh…" I didn't know her name when thinking about it. Her name was Gabby, of course, but she was the one to tell me before I bothered asking. I still wondered as to why her mom would let her out like that, but I guess this might just be a rather good place to live perhaps.

"Do you want to stay over in our house? We have warm coffee under a fireplace. I'm sure you'd like the company, and plus, you'd need to hear the story. OH YES! And you got to meet my sister. She's not herself at the moment, probably a cold, but I feel you'd like her. Oh, and my mom and dad of course - "

"-By any chance, could we go to the market? I need some gloves."

If I was to inevitably accompany them. I might as well do them my favor.

Next thing I remembered, I got a set of gloves and a new set of cloths, not to mention, and I was in their home. The fireplace lit up the entirety of the tiny cottage on the right while a figure shivered and sat weakly, looking at the fire, coughing and hacking at times. The couches that they sat on were rotten and bug ridden but decorated with artistic quilts as to make them usable. The inner walls were cold and wet. In fact, the living room had quite a few cold spots, despite the furious flames. There was a wall portrait of two parents and a little girl that's crooked, next to another portrait of an older looking girl, all straightened and neat. She looked older than Gabby, but not old enough to be a mother.

"This here is my sister, Eira," Gabby presented the figure on the couch. She was paler and more lifeless than the snow. She tried to wave and smile, but her coughing interrupted her. Blood managed to come out of her, staining the knitted couch sheets and herself. She wasn't just sick. I remembered there was simply no way that was just a cold.

"Gabby! Did you bring the furs?!," said a voice.

Gabby responded and attempted to lay the furs on Eira, who snatched them in desperation as she struggled to make warmth.

The girl's mother came over to the living room and saw me. She was a bit surprised at first, having an unfamiliar stranger come in her home, only welcomed by her unwary child. But at the end of her little roller coaster of thoughts, she welcomed me like if I were a long-lost friend. She tried to hug me and offer me some warm refreshments, but I refused, both out of courtesy and weary. She was so nice and caring to me. She didn't know me at all but yet managed to treat me like if I was important to her.

She'd tell me that, "Here you tend a stranger with love, and love will the stranger tend there." It was a saying that they seemed to really uphold. A motto which ultimately led them to making me that hot coffee I, despite my refusal, admittedly desired.

For the most part, we simply entertained ourselves with conversation upon the couches. She asked where I came from, how I ended up here, and I responded just the same as I've done with Gabby and how she led me here. I talked about some of the lands I've seen. Like a mere visitor, I talked about how beautiful Arendelle is and how it had luscious greens upon the mountain inclines which snuggled the inner kingdom close to them and the saturated water which would do gentle kisses around wide harbor like the kiss upon the kingdom's hand outstretched, only to await the presence of great nobility that would come in for a great coronation that happened the night I was there.

"Oh, and how was the coronation? Did you get to see the queen?!" said the mother.

"I did," I remember the tale I told quite vividly. I could remember the sparkle of muse which glistened their eyes as I talked about how I entered the giant palace doors and being welcomed by the many royal staff, as I would imagine if I were a visitor.

Then after, I would exaggerate how much they had to serve. They had enough food for the entire kingdom to fall into food coma 10 times over. Silverware as far as the eye could see. 8000 salad plates and glasses. 8-fold in slick silvery fine forks, spoons, and knives, and of many different types. The food was more divine than gods could ever imagine.

During the coronation, the queen strolled out elegantly and with confidence. Her gloves were off, and her hands were free from the tyrannies of oppressed restriction, allowing them to hold the sacred royal artifacts without a peep of ungracefulness upon the expression on her warm facade. The brass orchestra blasted out loud the crisp and clean melodies that were associated with the essence of royalty. The crowd clapped and cheered without any fault nor doubts about her legitimacy.

In the main ball, the lights lit the room with the glistening of gold. The walls were wild and whimsical, almost alive and active, accompanying the serine sounds such that serenaded so many ears. People of royalty mixed with people with common lives. All dancing as if they were all life-long neighbors.

My story caught me up catering to the tether which wound me close my personal indulgences. I kept rambling on about how I watched the way the queen and her sister interacted with each other, how they smiled and held hands. One eager to dance and the other much obliged. Both would make their ways to the main dance floor and dance carelessly to something allegro. It would've been a great sight to see, two sisters, relieved of any boundaries and burdens, too busy to bother bumming but not so to all the fun.

"I'm sorry, would've?" said the mother.

"Oh, I was referring to my sister, who didn't come with me", I said.

"Oh, ok, do you usually remember the places you travel so vividly?"

I said it was simply a place I most recently explored, but really, it was truly the best place I've never visited.


	8. June 22nd

**Morning entree of June 22, 1842**

**(a continuation of the previous entree)**

In just a moment's notice, the front door screeched, and their Dad came in. He was a thin and tall ginger, nothing like a typical woodsman much, scrawnier than those who`d be more commonly built on the arms. He had a clean smooth face, not rough at all. He had more of my father's complexion if anything of the sort. He simply waved and greeted his family, like as if it were routine. He didn't seem to mind my presence, as if I were expected to be here anyways. The exchange of it all seemed pleasant. Gabby would run up to him and give a hug around his legs while he'd lift her up against his chest to return the affection. They both laughed and giggled while the mother got up from the couch to join in. And of course, Eira wasn't left out of it either. She managed to stand up while her dad squatted to be bestowed her weak embrace. She coughed rather violently, but the man patted her back hard to let all the mucked blood pass out of her; she definitely didn't have a cold. He finally turned to me and greeted himself. His name was Agnus, and eventually the mother's name was revealed to be Frida.

It really was admirable for Gabby to just let me in like that. And especially the rest of the family. I remember feeling bad for intruding. They don't know who I am, nor did they know what I've done. Now and then, I knew I never deserved it. The coffee was unlike anything and they even offered their hot porridge to me.

I was never really a porridge eater, though. Growing up in the castle walls must have never really given me the notion of porridge's existence very much. I mean, I've seen porridge before, but perhaps only once or twice in my life, but those were times when I was beyond the confines of the castle walls, which even then wasn't very often. I've probably tried porridge once and remembered how unattractive it tasted. The texture was like that of slop, and taste as bland as wet crumpled paper. But the thing is, I had a bit of a change in sentiment towards the slop that was offered to me that day. After being chilled to the tips of my shriveled fingers down the unremorseful sores upon the entirety of my feet for the duration of my mind falling to pure maddening chaos for days, which had deluded my senses for what felt like months, the sight of a moldy white carpet in a bowl would take on a much different sort of figure in this new light. Before even having to try it, I could sense that perhaps the taste of wet crumpled paper might alike with the taste of the best seasoned roast duck. All notions against the want to eat the poor man's food might simply be nothing short of a delusion. A delusion for the delusional. Something that at the heat of the moment, I may have matured from. With the mere name of the offered dish, any delusional carelessness to eat had been eviscerated then filled with the roars of my demonic disparity for a bite.

I never knew as to why, whether it could have been out of foolish kindness or out of angst defeat, but the notion of a complete family portrait in front of me gave me the gesture that all was fine without me, and that it perhaps was my time to get going. Despite their offer, I managed to refuse both out of love and gloom. I gave my thanks to everyone and tried to leave the house.

I remembered stopping to taking another look at the paintings that hung upon the wall. At that time, I was able to make out everyone in the frames. The tilted portrait had Agnus, Frida, and Gabby, but Eira was in her own frame off to the side. The three were smiling. The tilt of the frame gave it an almost comical appeal to it. Anyone who'd see it could easily sense the radiating joy they had the day when they took the painting. And of course, the artist most definitely helped with the tone of the image, giving the solid background a bright blue color while exaggerating the little colorful features on all their clothes, emitting an aura of completeness of sorts. The frame that stood straight and stiff on the other hand was inhabited by a more serious figure. Eira smiled in the frame, but it felt more indescribable. It wasn't quite forced but it wasn't quite genuine either. It was a smile I could imagine having when in public, but never could I show it when I was alone. The artist managed to capture her essence quite differently that day. Darker tones of color used in the background, almost covering parts of Eira herself. Her head was tilted down more, unlike the family in the other frame, where literally all of them faced up in some way to some degree. I don't know if it truly meant anything, but the way her dirty blue eyes looked at the other portrait with her closed posture of cuffed hands resting on her legs, I may have almost saw myself. The notion may have meant something, or nothing at all, but in the midst of my fixated gaze at the frames, I could remember that something got into me that had led me to cry a bit. I could never remember the feeling nor replicate it, perhaps to my better fortunes now, but it felt spontaneous. It might have been me, but as my eyes shed a tear or two, I could see Eira's in a gloomy glisten as well. Her face was towards the tilted frame in almost silent desperation to leave her's and enter their's, but in return, it was only Gabby who'd seem to acknowledge Eira and respond with a teasing smirk of joyful ignorance.

I may have stood in solemn for a good minute before I was noticed again. I don't know whether they've called me out before then, for it seemed my ears were deaf for the moment, and any details in my peripheral sights were a blinding blur. I was about to leave, but I was called forth again. I don't think they've noticed my crying though. I've tried to make it as discreet as I could then. Maybe I was just staring awkwardly at the frames for too long for them not to notice. I'd prefer to think that.

"Hey Elsa?" Frida's voice was the first to snap me out of my trance. "Are you sure you don't want our porridge, not even, something for your travels?"

It was at that point that I didn't really have any words to say. My mind was blank, no sway in whether I wanted to stay more than I should go, or whether I should go more than I wanted to stay. I mean, I never had any plans to where I would go, at least no where physically. But in staying, I may be comfortable and perhaps healthy by the end of it all, but where after? As far as saw it, and see it, staying would just prolong my end for what I've known then. But if I stayed permanently, would I not be much trouble to them? Maybe not in they way they may think, but most inevitably in the way I think. A rather chilling thought to consider.

"Nonsense Elsa!" said Agnus abruptly, "come on down, you must sit, you're practically all skin and bones under your garments. No way we'll let you out without a satisfying meal. Isn't that right?"

"Yeah Elsa, don't go, what about the story I wanted to tell you?"

My choice was made for me.

They most definitely noticed my fascination with the frames and didn't really hesitate to ask me about them as I mumbled back to the dining table.

Agnus said something like, "So, do you like our portraits?"

And I replied with a nod but pointed out how crooked the family one was.

"Oh, that? we prefer it that way. It makes it look more joyful, don't you think?" said Frida.

I nodded and made my seat.

(to be continued)


End file.
